I WISH I REMEMBERED

I wish I remembered. I wish I remembered what, how stability felt like. Oh, if I only could remember. But I don’t. It’s a journey without known destination. And sometimes it would really help to remember. I remember I wrote a post once, during one of my brief periods of stability in the past, but this blog hadn’t come to existence yet – maybe it was Instagram, but how do I find it? Because I feel kinda stable, you know. I do! My sleep patterns are perfect, my energy’s coming back defeating asthenia, my appetite is following, my weight – oh well let’s not talk about my weight until I’m over a BMI of 16 thank you very much and fuck that shit -, my mood is pretty much normal (!!!!!!!!) and I’m doing a fab job at lone DBT therapy which I’m very proud of.

But? Yeah, there is a but. I’m self-harming. For the second time in my life I’m self-harming, but this time I think the matter’s more serious because I show the addiction signs my girlfriend showed. And do you think I know why I’m developing such addiction? I HAVE NOT THE SLIGHTEST IDEA. Grand. Brilliant. Isn’t it?

So I wish I remembered. Is stability perfection? Oh, perfection is such a dangerous word to me and to my recovery. 

I wish I remembered.

PS: I’m currently 19 days clean, by the way. 😀

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