Mania

Mania The birdsDon’t singThey speakSpeak to meTheir secretsTheir lovesThey tell meEverything The noises, the noisesICould screamThat lullabySo loudIt was makingMy head explodeThe noises, the noisesThe kettleMy parent’s voicesAnd my headIn pieces The euphoriaThe singingThe laughing so loudlyI’m never tiredGuess who worked outAt midnight? My mind is so busyBuzzing, racing flyingNew ideas float aroundNew novels come…

20 Days In Hell

TW: PSYCHOSIS So, I relapsed. Badly. But instead of one of my usual mixed states followed by catatonic depression, this time it was Mania with Psychotic traits–meaning I still had insight (not all the time sadly), but I experienced symptoms of psychosis, especially hallucinations. And wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I saw people who weren’t…

Treatment or Mistreatment: The Line Between The Two

I’d never thought my ex psychiatrist was mistreating me. I loved her. I was fond of her. When she left, I cried. Still, while I was under her care I ended up admitted to the acute ward and in two occasions to a long-term rehab facility after that, every single year starting from 2016 onwards….

I CAN SEE A BETTER TIME (WHEN ALL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE)

The last time I posted I was in a really dark place. It had been a month since my discharge from a hospital admission which saved my life, and I was still battling a deeply dark depressive episode. If I look back, I can’t believe how much things have changed in nine months. I fought…

SCRIBBLES

Manic Words thoughts syllables flushing down the sink Clean it again, it has to shine bright Bright as those thoughts words syllables That wouldn’t be so bright if they came out of your mouth (You’d just get eyed at) And so clean that sink till it shines bright Because then they’ll see how bright that…

THREE MONTHS

It was January 21st. I was stable and had been for 10 months. I had to take Prendisone (cortisone) for three days because they wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to have an allergic reaction to the IV contrast agent which would have been injected into me during a CT scan (usual 6-month scan…

BUT GIVE US ROSES

My last post on here was on April 8th. I had just been discharged from the hospital admission that saved my life – or at least my mental sanity. I saw All Time Low live on March 31st which was a dream come true. I was trying to “keep swimming”, The reality was that, despite…

World Bipolar Day 2017

My mind is slow. I am recovering from one of the most destructive depressive episodes of my life, and I can’t think like a neurotypical person. So I am writing while not knowing exactly what I am going to write. But, as I said in my post for the International Bipolar Foundation campaign “#MyBipolarFuelsMyPassion4” (check…

This Ward

This ward is peaceful. Sometimes some patient gets restless and upset, but nothing shocking or disturbing has ever happened. I was so scared by all the tales on psych wards, but now I know: you’ve got to understand mental illness. That’s the key. If you do, nothing can scare you. This ward is hopeful, literally:…

Mental Illness Timeline and Memories

This post is personal in the sense that I wrote it for a personal reason: not to forget. I don’t want to forget what my mental illness did and made me do. I don’t want to forget how unwell I can get. My brain sometimes erases memories and no, I don’t want to forget. Then,…